When couples struggle to survive an affair, they may choose treatment as a choice. At first there is relief because they feel as though the consultant understands their pain and can sincerely help them. What might well surprise them , however, is the sensation that they're moving two steps forward and one step back.
Leaving a session may make them feel as though they have the tools and are headed straight for success, only to be sidelined for days by sudden emotional turmoil. This phenomenon has been called a roller coaster, but might be more accurately described as a dance with anger. When the partners arrive for therapy, what they might not realize is that three people actually show up for the appointment. Only two wear skin, but the third is quite as real and influential: anger.
Researchers are only now recognizing the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) symptoms, including anger, which the betrayed better half experiences following the discovery of an affair. The fury might be displayed by anger outbursts or concealed away, however it is always at work impacting the direction treatment will take. Will the consultant help the partners talk about the factors that made the marriage ready for the affair, or will the focus be on the stress experienced by the deceived spouse? Anger will decide.
The betraying member of the relationship may struggle to identify her very own anger in the first sessions as she might be working very tough to continue managing anger and not further offend the partner she betrayed. By turning a blind eye to her fury however, she is no longer coping with anger. In ignoring anger, she ignores the frustration, disapproval, and acrimony that led on to her to justifying, minimizing, and executing a successful affair. If the therapist fails to recognize her angriness in session, he may leave her in the same emotional situation.
In cheating recovery, outrage must be identified and met head on by all players in therapy. Ignoring outrage does not make it go away; it only makes it a much more powerful dance partner.
Leaving a session may make them feel as though they have the tools and are headed straight for success, only to be sidelined for days by sudden emotional turmoil. This phenomenon has been called a roller coaster, but might be more accurately described as a dance with anger. When the partners arrive for therapy, what they might not realize is that three people actually show up for the appointment. Only two wear skin, but the third is quite as real and influential: anger.
Researchers are only now recognizing the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) symptoms, including anger, which the betrayed better half experiences following the discovery of an affair. The fury might be displayed by anger outbursts or concealed away, however it is always at work impacting the direction treatment will take. Will the consultant help the partners talk about the factors that made the marriage ready for the affair, or will the focus be on the stress experienced by the deceived spouse? Anger will decide.
The betraying member of the relationship may struggle to identify her very own anger in the first sessions as she might be working very tough to continue managing anger and not further offend the partner she betrayed. By turning a blind eye to her fury however, she is no longer coping with anger. In ignoring anger, she ignores the frustration, disapproval, and acrimony that led on to her to justifying, minimizing, and executing a successful affair. If the therapist fails to recognize her angriness in session, he may leave her in the same emotional situation.
In cheating recovery, outrage must be identified and met head on by all players in therapy. Ignoring outrage does not make it go away; it only makes it a much more powerful dance partner.
About the Author:
Dr. Kate Walker is a licensed professional counselor in the Woodlands, Texas. Her article goes over coping with anger and managing anger when counseling couples that are dealing with adultery.
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