The Dysfunctional Nature Of Codependency

By Edna Booker


People who are codependent are often unaware of how dysfunctional their relationships are. Codependency can be difficult to treat as people have deeply ingrained behavioral traits. They need to find their identity and self-worth from others as they lack this in themselves. In pleasing others and constantly looking for acceptance, they often sacrifice their own mental, emotional and physical health. This can cause a great deal of damage in families.

They often have difficulty with boundaries. They may have weak, blurred boundaries and feel too responsible for the feelings and problems of others. They keep trying to fix the other person and feel rejected if their advice is ignored. On the other hand their boundaries may be too rigid, preventing any real closeness. They often vacillate between being too weak or too rigid.

True communication is usually absent in such a situation. The codependent person cannot afford to be honest for fear of rejection or abandonment. They need others to help them feel secure and so they will often give their partners support without thinking about their own feelings. They find their self-worth in taking care of others and pleasing them.

They will often remain in an abusive relationship because they are so afraid of being alone. They will end up supporting addiction, self-destructive behavior and immaturity because they are3 too fearful to address it. They have such low self-esteem that they are trapped in the relationship. As a result they experience shame, anger, resentment, despair and depression.

The codependent behavior is often supported by the partners. They cater to the fears and anxieties of the person, deluding themselves that they are helping. However, this simply serves to reinforce the negative behavior patterns. A relationship like this can be repaired but it often takes hard work. Boundaries have to be firmly established and the self respect and self worth of both parties have to be encouraged.

In such a situation, there is often a lot of denial. Codependents know they are unhappy but they often fail to recognize that this is partly their own fault. They are likely to blame the problems on the other person and the situation. They often feel shame and guilt and find it very difficult to acknowledge they have a problem, let alone reach out for help.

Identifying the codependent nature of the relationship is often the first step. There are many websites today that list the symptoms, making it easier for people to identify that they have this problem. Even when the problem has been identified, it can take long, hard work to address it. There are many professionals who have experience in helping and it may require guidance and support in establishing new patterns of behavior.

One of the best ways of dealing with this problem is for the codependent person to begin to develop self respect. However, this is easier said than done and often involves professional guidance. A problem like this can ruin lives and the sooner it is addressed the better. It starts with awareness of the problem, acceptance that it needs to change and then taking the appropriate action. Seeking professional help is important and there are many people experienced in treating such problems.




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